I had never felt a longing so strong.
The house was quiet, only the faint buzzing of cars zooming down our street. An eerie feeling welled up inside of me, a feeling of just me and the knife block being in the kitchen.
I sat down on one of the green vinyl kitchen chairs and lost myself in my thoughts. But horrible flashbacks found their way through and I, after two months of pushing them to the back of my mind, was too weak to restrain them.
My hands gripped the sides of the plush car seat like I was about to suddenly fall, slip away into a never-ending darkness.
My mind and body were in complete turmoil, both threatening to snap any minute. I turned to look at Lynn in the driver's seat.
She looked relaxed as she usually did, and smiled at me proudly as though I had won one of my dancing competitions. I didn't even attempt to return the smile.
I just turned back to face the road and felt my body start to shake. The traffic lights turned red.
"You'll be okay, Jess," she said leaning over to pat my hand sympathetically, "the lady said there's nothing to feel bad about."
She could never know this wrenching pain.
"Are you still bleeding?" Lynn asked, her eyes focused on the road. She muttered a profanity as a car abruptly pulled in front of her. I nodded.
"It'll stop soon," she reassured me, matter-of-factly like she was totally familiar with the situation.
I stared blankly ahead, suddenly becoming unaware of my existence. Then in front of me I saw a horrifying image of an x-ray print of a small, unusually still object curled up in a ball with the caption "MURDER".
I felt myself plunge into an opaque darkness, the plush seats refusing to save me.
I cried furiously.
Fresh tears streamed down my cheeks and dropped off my chin. I felt all my anger and forlornness of those past two months pour out with those tears,
like prodding the wound.
I sat there for two hours sobbing my soul out, before I remembered the day in the park with Ben.
He squeezed my hand and for a split second I forgot my problem and let my love for him shine through.
The park was unusually quiet, as though fate herself had sensed that was how I wanted it. I wished I could forget the reason I had proposed this walk and just enjoy being with him, but I knew it was now or never.
"There's something I have to tell you, Ben," I said croakily. I cleared my throat. "Could we sit down here?"
He looked amused and sat down on the faded grey park bench.
"I'm pregnant."
I couldn't believe I had said it. Those ugly words had belittled me somehow, and I felt my body shiver with coldness. But Ben didn't put his arm around me or give me his coat as he once would have.
I felt my heart drop.
Why did I tell him? I kept asking myself over and over.
Because I thought he would be okay about it, I told myself again. But his cold stare penetrated me, as though I were being hypnotized.
Fearless, loving Ben had a look of pure fear on his face. I suddenly started crying. He looked at me scornfully as though it was my fault alone.
Then he looked at the ground.
"I was thinking....." I started, but was put off by the hateful look on his face.
"What were you thinking? We're sixteen, Jess! If you decide to keep it, fine. Get no support from me and don't ever expect to see me again."
He got up and began to run.
I felt as though someone had thrown a brick at my head. I hated him. I knew he had never loved me.
He had loved my body.
I stared at the knife block, the sharp edges looking so inviting. But I sat still on the chair.
I had cried all my tears out.
I was a murderer of my own child.
The same sentence played over in my mind over and over again. I let out a cry and jumped up from the chair and grabbed a knife, holding it to my wrist
ferociously.
But then I saw an image.
I stopped and watched.
A man was stretched out on a cross. His hands were pierced with thick, rough nails; blood ran down his arms and face from gashes made from the wreath of thorns on his head.
Crowds of people yelled mocking remarks
and one man taunted him with a piece of bread.
But on the cross I saw
the two most beautiful words:
"For Jessica"
